I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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