Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
i will never coherently bang her
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
