If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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