At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Green mimosas i think yes
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I need to sanitize my soul.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
