i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
this just has baby written all over it
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
