I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize