If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
smell my finger.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
