fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Randomize
