I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
