Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize