i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
