the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
