I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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