His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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