My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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