Got a toothbrush?
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
