I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
