I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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