I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
