if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
