I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
