my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
