I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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