He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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