hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
well I can't set my house on fire every night
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
