it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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