Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
