I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
