highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
