I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
