I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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