I wish I could punch you in the face.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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