Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
only if we run a train.
done.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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