Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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