eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
