I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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