No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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