Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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