wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
