who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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