You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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