I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
