im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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