think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
