mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
