And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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