Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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