and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
