I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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