i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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