Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
