You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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