she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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