i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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