This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
