I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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