I just cut my nipple shaving
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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