we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
