Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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