my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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