So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
