she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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