If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
