pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
