dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
