sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
