i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
