His pubic hair was longer than his dick
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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